I get to sleep for about an hour, then I’m woken up by immense physically jolting pain… but not physical but emotional.. heart being torn out of chest pain, and tears pouring from me, my breathing is rapid, I’m racking with sobs, and I’m crying over someone…. I’m still in a half state of dreaming where I’m physically and mentally in the dream.. I remember the day we had, I remember the smile we shared with your family, and now I feel the blackhole of sorrow attempting to swallow me whole… You stare at me with sad eyes, you walk towards me, and take my left hand in your right… your look falters with reluctance searching for the right words to say… and I read your face, thats when I whispered “please don’t do this”… you open your mouth and thats when the sobs begin… you tell me “this isn’t goodbye”, and attempt a reassuring smile “I wouldn’t leave you if it wasn’t necessary” but that’s not the truth, I continue to plead “please don’t go, please don’t leave me” and you squeeze my hand before telling me you’ll be back for me, before you let go and my hand drops… you turn and somberly walk away head kept downwards the entire time… not a single glance back.
I snap back into reality, in the dark, on the sofa, with Jame Bay softly singing ‘Let me Go’ into the blackness of the room… and along his sad stricken words are my frantic shattering sobs… trying to find an explanation to what just happened….. trying to use logic and think of why would I have this dream..why would you be there, and why would I react the way I did… why was it you and not the guy before…why did I feel like I was dying.. why did I feel like I screamed… why can I suffer all of this and no one hear me.. why..
Then I stop trying to find logic and I cross myself and ask God for his peace, wisdom and strength… to not let this end up like that… that if this is the path we take to stop it before it gets there.. I pray and get enough courage to type this out, with tears still streaming down my cheeks, and heart still beating faster than usual… I write this and wonder if I should show it to you….
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